1.
"Giles, can I come over and write my essay on your table?"
"Sure, Willow. I don't know if I'll be in though..."
"Hot date? Who is she and when do we get to meet her?"
"Will--"
"Come on, Giles, spill the beans! Who's the mystery woman?"
"Mr Thornton, the caretaker at the museum."
"Oh."
"Yes..."
"Well, I'm sure you'll have a blast discussing an orb or two over dinner."
"Yes, well...if I don't see you, have fun with Spike."
"Spike? Is he with you?"
"Why, yes. Xander got sick of him and dumped him on me for the night."
"Poor Spike. Nobody loves him."
"Yes, my heart bleeds over his predicament. I have to go, Willow."
"OK, I'll see you later...or not."
"Yes. Goodbye."

2.
"Surprise!"
"Red!"
"Yeah, the one and only. Whatcha doin'?"
"Watching some crap on the telly. Care to join me?"
"I wish I could. I have this essay..."
"To hell with it! Let's bond."
"Bond?"
"Yeah, bond. The thing that gives you Americans a happy. Share, socialize, connect!"
"Oh, *bond*! Spike, I can't. The only thing I'm bonding with tonight is Shakespeare's Richard II."
"You like' em royal, Red?"
"Not really..."
"OK, come on in and rest your weary feet."
"Thanks."

3.
"God, this sucks!"
"What, Red?"
"The language. I don't get it!"
"Chuck it and come here."
"Spike! If I don't get this done, I'm toast."
"I doubt that. First of all your teacher will thank you for one less dumb paper to correct. Second, there's nothing you can say that someone else hasn't already said. And better. Third, I need you."
"Huh?"
"I'm lonely and bored and Passion's not on till 10."
"I read that Meredith's gonna marry Troy after all."
"What? You're kidding! After giving Carlos a tumble? That slut!"
"Yeah and Gabrielle's pregnant with Troy's baby."
"Bloody hell!"
"Yeah...Passions rules!"
"I need some brandy."

4.
"So Red, what's going on between Demon-girl and Xapper?"
"Huh...?"
"Anna, Anke, Anya, whatever the chit's name is...what's the score?"
"Hm...they're dating."
"Honest? She's a man-eater, that one."
"What?"
"You should see the looks she gives Xapper. The poor loser doesn't know where to hide."
"The poor loser, as you like to call him, likes her."
"I don't blame him. I mean, it's not everyday that you come across a pair of demonic legs like the ones on--"
"Yeah, yeah..."
"Anke."
"It's Anya, Spike."
"Whatever."

5.
"Spike..."
"Yeah?"
"Why do the Brits have such a screwed-up history?"
"Because it suits the national character, I guess."
"The Brits are screwed-up?"
"Sure. Look at me."
"I don't know...you're pretty normal."
"Red! I'm already down in the dumps, don't make it worse."
"Sorry."
"Anyway, why did you ask?"
"Cause I can't make out what's going on in this stupid play."
"Right. Let me guess...someone gets banished, someone gets screwed, the king gets deposed, the country gets confused, a new king gets chosen, all hail the new king!"
"Hahahahaha!"
"That's about it, as far as I know."
"Yeah...Hahahahahaha! Yeah...that's about it."
"Nice to hear you laugh, love."

6.
"So Buffy's all mushy over Riley and Xander's all mushy over Anya and Giles's all mushy over the museum caretaker and--"
"Giles?!"
"Yeah. They're having dinner together to discuss some valuable orb or something."
"Oh, right."
"Why, what did you think I was talking about?"
"Nothing, nothing."
"Come on!"
"It's just that you never see the man with a girlfriend. What's wrong with him?"
"Nothing's wrong with him. His great love are books."
"Oh yeah right. There's more to Tweedy than meets the eye, Red."
"Oh really? And what is it, pray?"
"A heart."
"Oh. I knew that."
"You did? I wonder."
"Hey!"

7.
"Any news from Wolfie?"
"Watch it, buster!"
"Well?"
"No...not yet."
"Yet? Do you expect him to write?"
"Well, you asked me, remember?"
"Sure, but I wasn't counting on an answer."
"Grrrrrrrr...."
"What? I only asked."
"Anyway, why did you ask?"
"Cause I was curious. That's why I ask most things."
"Cause you love prying into other people's affairs."
"Don't we all?"
"Yeah, but you're as tactful as a brick wall, Spike."
"What's the point in being tactful? It just leads to a whole lot of trouble."
"What do you mean?"
"The truth is plain and simple. Try to embellish it and you're inviting misunderstandings and screw-ups."
"I guess."
"Trust me, I'm almost two centuries old."
"That's reassuring..."

8.
"Xapper can't fight to save his ass."
"Don't say that! He can fight...I've seen him!"
"What, pull someone's hair?"
"No. Punch, kick, push..."
"Scream, run like a girl..."
"Hey! This is my best friend we're talking about!"
"Sorry, Red, but if he's your best friend, you should know his weak points."
"I do!"
"You could've fooled me. The guy can't fight. Even Anya can do better in a brawl than Xapper ever will."
"He's doing his best..."
"Yeah, well...his best sucks."
"Don't tell him that. Not while he's holding the crossbow anyway."
"I don't need to tell him, he knows."
"He does?"
"Yeah. He's always following the Slay--erm--Buffy around but when the going gets tough, he shrieks and dashes for home."
"That's not true!"
"OK, maybe not. But he still can't kick ass."
"He's not as proficient as you, I'll give you that."
" Well, duh!"
"Spike!"
"Bloody hell...seems some people have major issues with the truth around here."

9.
"Red..."
"Yeah, Spike?"
"Come here."
"Not now, Spike."
"Come on! Passions's almost on!"
"Richard is about to get deposed. It doesn't get much more exciting than this, Spike."
"Yes, it does. Just come over here and see for yourself."
"Spike...!"
"Look, there's Meredith getting ready for her date...whoa, look at the number she's got on! A slutty frock if I ever saw one!"
"SPIKE! I'M TRYING TO FOCUS!"
"OH NO! Carlos just came in...and he's one pissed-off gringo!"
"I hate your guts..."
"Yeah, yeah...mind the remote."

10.
"Will you get that?"
"No."
"Come on...please. I'll get you some blood from the fridge later on."
"No."
"Spike!"
"Red, you're an infuriating little wench!"
"Thanks, Spike."
"Hello? Yeah, it's me, who did you think it was, Santa Claus? No, he's not. I ate him. Alright, don't get your lacy knickers in a twist. Red's here. Yeah, with me. She's having the time of her life. Hold on! Red...it's the Slayer."
"Damn."
"Here."
"Yeah, Buffy...? I just came over for some peace and quiet. Don't laugh, he's behaving. Yeah, Passions's on. He's sedated. Tonight? Sure, if you want. No date with Riley? He cancelled? Why? That's a lame excuse! What's up with that? OK, we'll talk later. Vampires have ears."
"Hey!"
"See ya later."
"I resented that."
"I know. Sorry."
"You should be."

11.
"Ah...another gut-wrenching episode of the best soap ever."
"Yeah...I'm starving."
"Me too. Get me some juice."
"Juice?"
"It's a metaphor, Red."
"Oh."
"Come on! Get up, you lazy slug!"
"Hey! Don't call me a slug! I ran all over the campus today."
"So?"
"One more word out of you and I'll--"
"Be a dear and get me something to eat, will ya?"
"Spike, you....ARGGGGHHHH!!!"
"Yeah, you're right. Now get to it."

12.
"Ah…one lovely maid with blood on her hands."
"You're so poetic, Spike."
"I know, Red."
"So, whatelse is on? You've enticed me with Passions and now I'm a TV junkie."
"Welcome to my world."
"So…?"
"Hm…Jerry Springer."
"Ugh….I feel a wave of nausea coming on."
"Not on the duster, Red."
"I'm OK! I'm OK…"
"Good. It's nice to know that you're…erm…OK."
"Anyway, Jerry Springer, eh?"
"The show kicks ass. Literally."
"Yeah…I wonder if those people's insurance covers getting beat up on national TV."
"If the insurance doesn't cover it, Jerry will. He's a caring soul."
"Yeah, as caring as a Chaos-demon."
"Hey! *Don't* mention the C-word!"
"What, chaos? Get over it."
"Red…."
"Yeah, Spike?"
"Gimme the remote."

13.
"Hm…this is not warm enough. What did you put in it, bloody ice-cubes?"
"Nope. It's on the rocks."
"On the rocks means ice, Red."
"Oh."
"Heat it up."
"No. I'm nice and cosy, Spike, I don't wanna get up."
"Please."
"Don't give me those puppy-dog eyes. You remind me of Angel."
"RED! YOU HAD IT COMING!"
"AGGHHHHH!!!! SPIKE, NO!!!! STOP IT!!!!"
"This for not heating up my meal, this is for making me wait for you, this is for being a wench, this is for reminding me of the Angelus wannabe. THERE!"
"Sp-pike, no more…no more…I surrender…ahhh…no more tickling…"
"I'm glad we understand each other."

14.
"So Riley-a sissy name, if I ever heard one-cancelled his date with Buffy?"
"Yeah, he did. And what's worse, he didn't have an unbeatable excuse to back his refusal."
"What is an unbeatable excuse? "Sorry, aliens abducted my granny and now I have to go rescue her." Or "Sorry, there was a hurricane and my house ended up in Kansas and now I have to go there." Or---"
"No. Just something like "I have a terminal disease and it's contagious.""
"Hm…not bad, Red. You should be a guy, then you could put all those kick-ass excuses to some practical use."
"I know…Oz had his own supply of nasty ones."
"Honest? Like what?"
"It's not what you think, Will. I didn't sleep with her. She was turning into a werewolf and I wanted to protect the villagers. Blah, blah, blah…"
"Lame."
"Yeah. But I still miss him."

15.
"You know, Red, I was really pissed-off by that weird mojo you cast last week."
"Which one?"
"The one that had me lock tonsils with the bloody Slayer for what seemed like a millenium."
"Oh, that one."
"Yes, that one, you pathetic excuse for a Wicca!"
"Hey!"
"Don't go casting spells just for cheap thrills."
"I know…I was just depressed."
"So what? I was too."
"It's not the same."
"Why? Because you have a beating heart and I don't?"
"Erm…"
"Hey, I have sodding emotions! I bloody hate them, but they're here!"
"I know. I'm sorry."
"I will never forget how pathetic it was feeling the Slayer's sticky lips on-"
"Come on! Don't tell me you didn't enjoy it!"
"I didn't, you little witch! It was bloody traumatic. I'll be having nightmares about it for years and years…and years, in my case."
"OK, I said I was sorry. What more do you want?"
"Hm…interesting question. What are you offering?"
"Huh? What?"
"…"
"SPIKE! Where do you get off…?!!!"
"Sorry. I just had to get the Slayer's taste off my tongue."
"I can't believe you did that! It's polite to ask a girl's consent before you go kissing her!"
"Red, I never said I was polite."
"Damn you."

16.
"You actually locked lips with Xapper during my absence?"
"Yeah. And then suffered the consequences."
"During the kissing, no doubt?"
"The kissing was fine, Spike. The rest wasn't."
"I don't believe you. The kissing was fine? Xapper's kissing?"
"Yes!"
"Come on, Red! The thought alone gives me shivers down my spine!"
"That's because it's you. It was very pleasant at the time."
"UGH!"
"What is it, Spikey, is the blood too cold?"
"Watch it, Red."
"What is it with you and Xander? Why can't you just be friends?"
"Red, this is not some episode of the X-Files. Stuff like that doesn't happen in our dimension."
"Why not?"
"Cause I have two centuries worth of dealing with morons and Xapper's the ultimate moron!"
"He's not that bad! Give him a chance!"
"For your sake, perhaps."
"For everybody's sake, Spike."
"Fine…"

17.
"GO! KICK HIS ASS! DON'T JUST STAND THERE!"
"Spike, you'll give yourself a heart-attack if you keep shouting like that."
"Sorry, Red. But he's such a sissy…"
"His brother just owned up to having an affair with his wife. What do you expect?"
"Mayhem! Chaos! Flying chairs! Blood…"
"Jesus…"
"See? He's not moving. The whole audience's dying for some action and he's letting them all down. What an asshole."
"He's crying."
"Bloody hell."
"On national television."
"Yeah, he sure knows how to pick his moments."
"Have a heart, Spike…the poor guy."
"Next!"

18.
"Buffy!"
"Hey Will! Babysitting?"
"No…writing an essay."
"Yeah right, Red. You've been watching TV for the past hour."
"Spike…"
"Yeah, Spike. What do *you* do besides watch TV all day long?"
"Well, *Buffy*, I dream of waking up one day with my bite back and sinking my teeth into every living creature within a five-mile radius. Starting with you."
"Ha! You should see a shrink."
"He'd probably tell me to live out my fantasies."
"Anyway…Riley. Will, come into the kitchen."
"I already know, Slayer. Your knight in less-than-shining armour stood you up."
"He didn't stand me up! He had a perfectly good excuse."
"Which was?"
"He was expecting a phone-call from his mother."
"What?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
"SPIKE! You are so dead, mister…"
"That's true. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"
"Come on, Spike, don't be a jerk."
"Sorry, Red…OK, I'm cool."
"Will, let's leave the bleached hyena and go somewhere private."
"OK."
"Spike, if you break anything while we're gone, you're sleeping outside tonight."
"Clear off. I won't break a damn thing."
"Good."
"For now."

19.
"Bored…bored…bored…HAPPY!"
"Hey Spike! We're back."
"Red! Sit down!"
"OK, let me just get a Coke."
"Get me another mug while you're at it."
"Sure."
"Willow! What's with the Edith Bunker deal?"
"Lay off, *Buffy*!"
"Buffy, this is nothing. I do this for Xander all the time."
"That's not an excuse! Xander should know better."
"HA! That loser…know better?"
"Hey! Xander's *not* a loser, OK?"
"No, you're right. Not as much of a sad wanker as *Angel*…"
"GRRRRRRRR…..!!!!"
"GET OFF, SLAYER! WILLOW, MAKE HER STOP!!!"
"What the hell…?! SPIKE, BUFFY, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!"
"He started it!!! I was perfectly content with mild verbal abuse, but he---"
"Hey! You hit me first! Knowing that I can't hit back!"
"You asked for it. And now…now…I need to rest."
"Yeah, you're looking downright *bad* right now."
"Spike! That's enough."
"Sorry, Red. Sorry, Slayer. Even though I'm not."
"Oh, just shut up."

20.
"OK, we have some unresolved issues floating around in this room."
"You can say that again. The Slayer has problems."
"Spike…behave."
"I always behave. Contrary to others…"
"Ha!"
"OK, who wants to go first?"
"Go first where, Red?"
"OK…I'll go first. Spike, your tongue's faster than your brain. Don't go round insulting people. Buffy, Spike didn't mean it. He's just bored."
"Red, I can speak for myself. I am bored. But I solemnly swear I meant every insulting word I ever uttered in this very room."
"See? He's beyond amends. The implant made him worse than before!"
"Honest? You're not just saying that…? Slayer?"
"Oh God…I have to watch my compliments."
"Spike, how's the blood?"
"Better, Red. But it still needs something."
"Yeah, holy water."
"Very funny, Slayer."
"I know. You have this inspiring effect on people."
"Yeah, I love it when they beg and grovel and give Oscar-worthy performances."
"Spike, change the channel. This program's sending bad vibes into the room."
"No, that's just the Slayer."
"Bite me!"
"You'll get your turn, don't worry."

21. "Hey people!"
"Xander! Hi!"
"Oh no…not the X-person."
"Spike, get a grip. Otherwise, I'll start forgetting about the mugs."
"Aw…don't do that, pet."
"So, whatcha doin'? Rotting your brain with national TV?"
"Among other things."
"What other things? Anything interesting?"
"No. Just Spike being a jerk."
"Oh…that's kinda old news then."
"How would you like a black eye, Xapper?"
"Sorry, but I just don't see it happening. Some other time, maybe."
"Hell yeah, you can count on that one. So… how was Anke?"
"Who?"
"Anya."
"Oh. Fine. Why do you care?"
"I don't. But we're in polite society."
"We used to be, till you came to stay."
"Buffy, don't be mean."
"Will, he's soooo annoying!"
"That's because he's bored."
"So? Since when do I care?"
"Since right now. I don't want Giles to come home to a trashed living-room."
"If he does, it won't be my work."
"Buffy…just cool it."
"Fine…"

22.
"Buffy, did you see Teutonic guy today?"
"Xander…don't call him that."
"Sorry. Riley."
"Yeah. For about five seconds. He had the time to smile, look sheepish, toss a lame excuse, make me mad and then leave. So much for romance."
"Good."
"What?"
"Erm…nothing. That was really bad."
"Don't I know it. I got a new dress for our date!"
"Well, Slayer, you can always wear it and make some poor minion horny just before you stake him."
"Shut up!"
"Just trying to be helpful."
"Stop trying."
"With pleasure."
"Anyway, maybe he was telling the truth."
"Yeah and maybe there's a pig flying over our heads right now."
"No, not flying, just sitting on the couch pissing everyone off."
"Ouch, that hurt, Slayer…mildly."
"Anya said something about a sweater, Buffy."
"The green one?"
"Green, black, yellow…something."
"Xander, this is important. Try to remember."
"Green, I guess."
"OK, I'll drop it off on my way home."
"Yeah and give Anke my love."
"She hates your guts. Face it, Spike, everybody hates you."
"Boohoo."

23.
"Well, this has been a barrel of laughs. But I have to go."
"What, it's past you bedtime, Xappy?"
"Yeah. And past yours too. You're coming with me."
"No way."
"Spike, Giles' idea of a good time is having you gone. So, get up and get moving."
"Make me."
"Will, give me a hand here."
"Spike, come on. Giles will be back any minute now and this room looks a mess."
"Well, you started the popcorn fight."
"Yeah, I did. I assume full responsibility. Now get up and let me get housewifey."
"You're cute when you're bossy."
"You're pathetic when you're flirty."
"Well, Slayer, I wasn't the one who got snubbed tonight, was I?"
"Riley Finn was expecting a phone-call from his mother. That's that."
"Riley Finn needs to take some lessons in excuse-making so that he doesn't come off as the lamest loser in Sunnydale."
"Spike, this is Mr Pointy. Mr Pointy, this is Spike. I expect you two have a lot to talk about so why don't I just shove you through Spike's heart and leave you to it."
"Mr Pointy? Yuk."
"Spike, are you coming or not? I'm really not in the mood for this…"
"Hold your horses, Xapper! Red, give us a kiss."
"Spike…"
"…"
"Spike!!!"
"Oh yuk! Oh gross! Oh Will, how could you let him-"
"I DIDN'T LET HIM!"
"OK, let's go. You've managed to turn everyone's stomach tonight, so I guess you're happy."
"Thrilled."

24.
"Will, is there something going on between you and Spike?"
"What? No!"
"I don't know…he seems to think there is."
"He's a friend, Buffy. He's lonely."
"He's a wacko."
"No! God…when will you and Xander give him a break?"
"Give *him* a break?! The guy is an insult machine-gun, a bad thing not waiting to happen, a-"
"Vampire."
"That too. Maybe I should just stake him and get this over with."
"Buffy!"
"What? It's what I do. I stake vampires."
"Think about what you're saying. This is Spike we're talking about."
"Yeah, the bane of my existence."
"No…just Spike. He's been great to me."
"What?"
"Look, Buffy, I don't want to sound mean. But Spike's been there for me in a way that no one else has. He makes me laugh, he's actually *kind*."
"Spike?!! Kind?! Will, are you running a fever or something?"
"No…I'm perfectly serious."
"Willow!"
"You have Riley, Xander has Anya, I have no one. Spike's a friend!"
"OK, fine…don't get mad."
"I'm not mad…just tired of all this pointless bickering."
"Look, I'll make you a deal: you let me know when I'm being thoughtless and I'll try not to kill Spike."
"I accept."
"Good, let's seal this with ice-cream."

25.
"Will, what's this thing with you and Spike?"
"Oh God…not you too…"
"What, did Buffy talk to you about it? So it's generally obvious."
"Xander…for the last time-I hope-there's nothing going on between me and Spike."
"Oh really? What about last night? What was that demonstration of unbridled lust for?"
"That was Spike being himself. First he takes, then he remembers to ask."
"You didn't seem very reluctant to give."
"Xander! I've had it up to here with you and Buffy! What I do and don't do is *my* business, OK?!!!"
"I'm sorry, Will…I guess."
"Let's just drop it, OK?"
"Yeah, but hear me out first. I'm your best friend. I care about you. I don't want to see you get killed."
"Killed?!"
"Yeah. He's gonna get this implant thing out someday and then, look out!"
"There's more to Spike than a lack of soul, Xander…"
"Yeah, there's also a great, big bloodthirst."
"I'm going home. I need a nap."
"Yeah, you're looking kinda pale."
"I always look pale. The paleness is proportional to my annoyance."
"Oh."